Monday, October 19, 2009

How Many Mushrooms Would Mario Eat For This To Happen?

Walking through Wal-Mart yesterday I came across the perfect costume for me & my other half. With 3 Halloween parties this year, we needed costumes & had no ideas. Should we go individual or do the couple thing? Then I saw it hanging in seasonal next to a scary clown & a slutty cat.
Mario & Luigi!

Just couple enough without being sickeningly sweet. Plus it's got just enough geek cred to be unique but not too much that people will go "who?" when you tell them who you are. So with joy & eagerness I bought the costumes. Waiting for my better half to get home I couldn't wait to try on our ideal Halloween costumes that would be creative & yet so obvious all at once.
Then we tried them on.
Listen, I bought the XL size costumes & not the XXL because I thought XL, that's like large but bigger. Clearly, these costumes were either made for the Japanese or the measurements are in pixels based on height from the games. Never in my life have I worn such tight stretchy material. At first one could say, "well you're just fat," but see that's only a part of the problem. The legs on these things were now essentially pedal pushers held together by barely clasping velcro. And then the worst part, the crotch.
Look, I'm not what you'd call ashamed of my crotch, on occassion I've been known to wear overly snug jeans on purpose. But these things give new definition to moose knuckles. If we only had to go to parties thrown by friends it wouldn't be so bad, some of these people have seen me in my undies when we travel. However, I will NOT be that inappropriate person who shows up to a work function only to become the topic of conversation for what endlessly seems like forever. Again, not minding being the topic of conversation, just don't want it to be due to the fact that my testicles look like they might smother a small rodent.
Hopefully the XXL will fit less snugly. And if not then I guess it's on to another possibile costume. Oh and for future reference Nintendo just cuz we want to dress like your characters doesn't mean you should make them the same size as on-screen. Although if you are going to make things like your games, sign me up for that star fun would it be to just knock people on their ass all day? Oh to dream.


  1. i was hoping there would be a pic of you stuffed into the costume... le sigh

  2. Yvette beat me to the punch line. Why didnt you take a picture. That would have been priceless.

  3. right, that's what i want to live online even after i'm dead...a pic of me in too-tight lycra with a huge bulge....