How Many Mushrooms Would Mario Eat For This To Happen?

Walking through Wal-Mart yesterday I came across the perfect costume for me & my other half. With 3 Halloween parties this year, we needed costumes & had no ideas. Should we go individual or do the couple thing? Then I saw it hanging in seasonal next to a scary clown & a slutty cat.

Mario & Luigi!

Just couple enough without being sickeningly sweet. Plus it's got just enough geek cred to be unique but not too much that people will go "who?" when you tell them who you are. So with joy & eagerness I bought the costumes. Waiting for my better half to get home I couldn't wait to try on our ideal Halloween costumes that would be creative & yet so obvious all at once.

Then we tried them on.

Listen, I bought the XL size costumes & not the XXL because I thought XL, that's like large but bigger. Clearly, these costumes were either made for the Japanese or the measurements are in pixels based on height from the games. Never in my life have I worn such tight stretchy material. At first one could say, "well you're just fat," but see that's only a part of the problem. The legs on these things were now essentially pedal pushers held together by barely clasping velcro. And then the worst part, the crotch.

Look, I'm not what you'd call ashamed of my crotch, on occassion I've been known to wear overly snug jeans on purpose. But these things give new definition to moose knuckles. If we only had to go to parties thrown by friends it wouldn't be so bad, some of these people have seen me in my undies when we travel. However, I will NOT be that inappropriate person who shows up to a work function only to become the topic of conversation for what endlessly seems like forever. Again, not minding being the topic of conversation, just don't want it to be due to the fact that my testicles look like they might smother a small rodent.

Hopefully the XXL will fit less snugly. And if not then I guess it's on to another possibile costume. Oh and for future reference Nintendo just cuz we want to dress like your characters doesn't mean you should make them the same size as on-screen. Although if you are going to make things like your games, sign me up for that star thing....how fun would it be to just knock people on their ass all day? Oh to dream.

Australian Pop Rocket Lands in NYC...Sequins Found Near Surrounding Areas

To say I love the effervescent Kylie Minogue is an understatement. I have just about all her albums & tours on DVD. No, not only her tours I also have her video collection, which by the way Darien I want back cuz I'm going through SERIOUS withdrawals. Seriously kids, if you're ever in a funk just hop onto youtube and look for early Kylie videos, they're so horrible & cheesy that you can't help but be in a better mood by the end of it all. And she really needs to stop with the whole Showgirl theme for her concerts, cuz at this point it just seems like she oddly enjoys wearing feathers.

But I digress.

Aside from finding my 3 hellacious contest guest judges, this past weekend saw me finally being able to cross Ms. Minogue off my list of artists I love that I'll most likely never see live. At this point though the list is pretty much comprised of Robbie Williams and Michael Jackson and guess which one won't be crossed off anytime soon? That's right Robbie cuz I expect to see Michael in concert when they put his last one on DVD whereas Mr. Williams can't bother to get his stuff on a North American compatible format.

Back to my once in a lifetime (at this point anyway) experience. Truly the concert gods smiled upon me & my friends on Sunday as we got there about 15 minutes before the doors opened, were at basically the back of the line that wrapped around the block & STILL managed to get in before a majority of people who got there earlier and were essentially in front of us. Look, I'm not saying I'm proud of it or that I don't feel bad for people who got there at like 10am & then had to stand at the back. With that said I'm just chalking it all up to the karma of being a nice guy who helped a woman pick up her avocados at Bryant Park on Saturday while others gawked. See, fruit can bring good things other than digestion.

But on with the show!

That's not her actual opening but doesn't the head of the guy in front of me look like it could have opened up and shot her out with smoke? This is just the first decent pic I took of the diminutive diva. For the next 2 hours she gave us a cross section of all her albums, which would have been ok with me if she'd focused a little less of 'X,' but I get it's the "new-ish" one & all. This woman managed to cram her huge arena sized shows into the space of ballroom. Let me stress that again. She took a production that would fill Wembley Stadium & managed to fit it into a ballroom. Granted, it wasn't an airport Hilton ballroom but still that's some skill at work.

Never let it be said she doesn't know how to appeal to her audience & the boys were out in droves. It was like wall to wall lisp in there, but you know, not in a bad way, although if the place had been bombed there'd be at least 80% less fashion designers and hairstylists today. To that end of course there was outfit after outfit for her & well, less & less material for her male dancers. Again, the woman knows how to play to her audience. And did I mention that she did it all in heels? Not exactly Ginger Rogers style but I was just standing in the audience & my feet were about ready to cecede from the union that is my body. Although I'm pretty sure that's also cuz they're really opposed to freeing my ankles from slavery.

And while all that performing alone would be enough to make anyone realize this woman was clearly giving her US fans everything they'd been expecting, she took it a step further. One of my biggest pet peeves is going to a show where the performer essentially says "Hello (city I'm playing)" and "Good Night (city I'm playing)," with nary a deviation from the script. To say this woman reveled in audience interaction is like saying that Charles Manson is just a bit off. She spent the entire show talking to the audience, cracking jokes, I can't be entirely sure but I even think at one point she offered to make us vegamite sandwiches. Again, her natural adorableness didn't come off as phony or rehearsed, but like a genuine good time being had between her & a few 100 of her closest friends.

Hmmm, maybe that's why she tends to favor the theme of Showgirl. Although unlike Liz Berkely's Nomi, this is one showgirl who I can guarantee doesn't paint her nipples, especially not 2 different colors.

And The Winner Is....

So I know it's been just about over a week or so since I announced the deadline for my caption contest and I've been getting lots of inquiries as to who is the winner. First off I want to apologize to those who tried posting but for whatever reason couldn't post. However, the truth is that after viewing all the entries it was very difficult to declare a winner. There was creativity and humor all over the place and I want to thank everyone. But alas I have to declare someone the winner right?

Some of you know that I'm currently in NYC for the Kylie Minogue concert on Sunday. But what you don't know is that I'm also here because choosing a winner was so hard that I needed to enlist the help of some special judges who just so happen to be in NY for the concert as well. Without further ado I present the judges for our first ever TheIsh79 blog contest.

You know him from Project Runway, top American designer Michael Kors.

MK: Hi guys.

Currently unemployed former American Idol judge, Paula Abdul.

PA: Hi, I just want to say that all your captions have beautiful souls that could light up a room and generate the power for terminally ill wings at hospitals.

And extra special judge, leader of that evil organization bent on world domination, Cobra Commander.

CC: Helloooooo guyssssssssssssss.......

Thank you 3 for joining me on my blog to get this contest judged. So let's begin. Now there were several of your entries that just made me laugh out loud and some of you even appealed to my ego, which totally works. But in the end we had to whittle it down to 3 finalists. Based on the level of creativity and random pop culture type references, they are Julisa, Omar & Yvette and Inneabelle. So judges, let's start in the order they posted, first with Julisa.

MK: Her comment was just so trashy. I mean the costumes she referenced were cheap, the material non-existent. It's like a drag queen or something.

Umm, Michael, there are drag queens in the video and you haven't even mentioned the quote. Paula?

PA: Videos on youtube are great for comments, because they have a section for comments so we should leave comments because they let people know how we feel.

Oooook....Cobra Commander?

CC: Where issssssss the blue in the comment? It's just not evil enough. Perhaps that's because Julisa is plotting against me! RETREAT!!!!!

Well, in my opinion she totally gets points for referencing an obscure movie down to the exact minute where the similarity shows. Frankly, for that alone she has more than earned her place in the Top 3. Now on to Omar & Yvette's comment.

MK: Was this a team challenge? It's almost like they can't work without each other. Dependency on pre-made things is never going to get you far in this industry.

You are aware they're not being judged on designs right?

MK: Huh, what?

Paula?

PA: The power of a team is better than that of being alone. Nobody should ever be alone. It's like Ricky Martin sang with Christina Aguilera. And now, she knows how to work with people with all her duos and co-writing with Linda Perry. I mean, really what is going on?

Clearly, nothing in your head. Although every fiber in my being says I'll regret it, Cobra Commander your take?

CC: It'sssssss that blassssssted GI Joe, alwaysssssss ruining my plansssss. Baronessssssss! Desssssstro!!!!

I'm beginning to think I could have saved on some airfare. Regarding the entry, you need to go see the pic she posted. Aside from finding the Pair of Nuts comedy duo to be hilarious the pic is just dead-on. Unfortunately, as my sister and brother-in-law, they're ineligible for the prize. That leaves me with only one entry left and God help me I'm going to ask for more insight from the judges.

MK: Would an alien really mate with Gollum? I mean it's always the same thing, creatures with creatures, mix it up honey. Take us somewhere else than Middle Earth or St. Tropez for a change.

....sigh, Paula.

PA: The absolute best thing to put on bread is jam but only straberry jam. It's like if Michael Jackson's song JAM was a jam, I don't think it'd be strawberry. It seems more like a spring blend of honey and mint. Delicious, just delicious.

Just, just go for it.

CC: Perhapssssss I'll recruit thissssss Gollum for our evil forcesssss....yesss, yessss...COBRAAAAA!!!!!

For the love of...ok, the hell with you crazies. Seriously, 2 of you are like walking catch phrases and I'm not entirely sure the other one isn't a cardboard cut-out with a voicebox. By sheer length and managing to mix Alf, Lord of the Rings and the Estefans I just have to award the prize of my first ever blog contest to Inneabelle. The creativity and out of left field story that she submitted is just the pinnacle of the bizarre ass-ness of the minds of those reading my blogs. As out there as I may post things, I can always count on you guys to provide commentary that matches it word for word.

Thank you for all your comments, views, and signing up as followers. I write because I feel the need but to know it's being read just makes it all better. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to make sure 3 judges accidentally fall on the 3rd rail.

Let's See If This Brings Me More Followers....

UPDATED!!! Hey guys, just wanted to update the blog to say that the last day to submit your comments/entries will be this Friday October 2. So far I've had some great entries and look forward to seeing even more! The winner gets $15 I-tunes gift card so be witty and be original!!!

Ok so no secret that most people who blog are pretty much just looking for attention. It's a creative outlet and what not but it's also a way for people to talk about me in a way that doesn't seem too forced and that they can attribute to just being observations on my wit.

To that end I've decided to hold a contest to see if I can get more people to actually sign up and list themselves as blog followers as well as encourage the leaving of comments. The contest is very simple and while I don't have the prize determined YET, I'll try to make it something fun and well, Ish-like. :-)

To enter you need to leave a comment in my comments section that tells me what you think is happening in the picture below. It can be an explanation, a caption, just make it funny! Most likely I'll just keep this going for about a week or 2 before deciding on the winner, depending of course on the results of how many people even bother to "enter."

So without further ado, I want you to tell me and my readers exactly what is going on in this photo:

The 2009 VMAs.....Now With More Ish!

Honestly I wasn't going to blog about the VMAs, it's true. Originally this was going to be about hanging out with 2 very different sets of friends and how much I enjoy their company even though I don't see them as often as I would like. It was going to be a real fun little piece about how you can always just pick up where you left off with certain people.

And then I played the VMA's that I DVR-ed in favor of watching True Blood.

Let's just get this out of the way, Kanye's a douche. It's nothing new people, at this point he should just change his middle name to Masengil. What he did do, however, was actually get me to like Taylor Swift! Seriously, whenever I'd see her jr-Renee Zelweiger lemon face I just got the urge to throw hamsters at her or something. And that "Belong To Me" song? Please, it might as well be called "Anthem For The Ugly, Un-popular Girl At Home Singing Into Her Brush While She Cries Looking At The Mirror." Watching her up there so lost and shocked at the commandeering of the stage by Mr. Summer's Eve though, made me really like her more. And then she proceeded to give one of the best performance of the night. I can even tolerate that song now! Fine, it may have something to do with the fact that I secretly always wanted to do a music video taking place solely on a moving subway car, but still.

It's not to say the rest of the night didn't have its moments. Isn't it funny that Madonna and Pink both provided the most sedate appearances of the night? Although shout out to Pink for her trapeze bit with the Duela Dent inspired outfit (http://temple.fpsbanana.com/ico/sprays/duela_dent.png, http://www.popcrunch.com/pink-mtv-vmas-2009-performance-video-sober-live-on-a-trapeze/music-mtv-8/), but why did I think her boobs were bigger than they appeared? Also, the pairing of Shakira and Taylor Lautner from Twilight as presenters was inspired, even though I didn't get the connection until they were almost done. Think about it....it's actually quite clever for MTv. And who knew that Beyonce would treat us all to an urban version of a Busby Berkley musical? Probably one of the few times her stalker-ish obsession with sequins didn't make me want to go to her house and take away her Bedazzler.

But of course, what would a VMA be without my take on the things I quite frankly could do without. Russel Brand, I'm sure you're a nice enough guy but you're not funny. No really, see I like all things British and get the dry wit thing, but your schtick is just not funny...kinda like Andy Samberg and Jimmy Fallon. Guys, the average MTv viewer barely remembers Lil' Bow Wow and you're referencing MotownPhilly? Way to be on the cusp of the humor, boys.

Then there's Lady Gaga. I get it, you have a great voice but let's be realistic so do many other aspiring singers. So you figured you'd be a little, let's call it avant garde, and guess what? It worked, you got signed. Now can you please stop? Seriously, enough already, everytime I see you I feel like I'm watching the mutated love child of Christina Aguilera and Beaker from the Muppets. We get it, you're out there. However, with each passing day you get closer to being left out there because frankly at this point the only thing left to do is light yourself on fire. And should it come to that, not that I wish you harm but I would watch, could you also do the world a favor and take your ardent fan-bitch Perez Hilton with you? I couldn't think of a single other person more deserving of being lit ablaze than that flamer.

On the subject of queens, I have to say that one of my favorite bands of all time is Queen. One of the my least favorite things of all time is Katy Perry covering Queen and covering Queen as if she was bored out of her mind instead of singing a song that'll be around longer than her career. And she was singing with Joe Perry from Aerosmith! At least she didn't win anything, although did anyone else notice during Beyonce's performance that she was apparently accompanied by a reincarnated Liberace? Who knew that aside from Kissing a Girl she could also raise the dead?

Which reminds me, where was Kurt Loder last night? Has he finally reached the point where his reanimated corpse doesn't photograph? It's just not a VMA without him interviewing Madonna as she tries to get him to show the human emotion he gave up so long ago in exchange for immortality. Ahh the good old days.

Every year I find myself saying "who is that?" more and more as I watch this awards show. I also say each year that I really don't care to watch the VMAs before plopping myself down to inhale the trashiness of it all. Truthfully I'll probably watch them well into senility and by then I'm sure the only face I'll still recognize will be Kurt Loder. Or whatever part of his original face is actually left by that point.

Playing Through the Labor

Labor Day is upon us once again. That day where we as a country collectively say "do it your damn self" and proceed to either BBQ or veg out in front of all day TV marathons. It's also the weekend where many such as myself decide to go out and have some fun since we don't have to be at work until Tuesday and by then, well, who cares since it's a 4 day week.

Now usually my tales of bloggy goodness consist of me weaving a tale of the events in a way that would make Aesop stand up and say "dude, seriously are you even trying for a moral with this?" This time, due to a combination of lacking desire to think and being tired of following up my activities with a leisurley jaunt to the gym, I've decided to just bullet-point things. Don't worry, the wit is still there...can't change the formula too much now can I?

- Bartenders: Everyone knows that bartender make their money on tips and that's usually why they're so pleasant and flirtatious and look like they never leave the gym. Why then was I met with such horrendous service at Buck 15 regarding my tab and then desire to close it? What pains me is that I really do love this place but the 5 year old who couldn't find my card and then proceeded to tell me I must have set up my tab with the other guy who looked nothing like him, yeah he either needs to go or needs to be taught a lesson in how to treat people if he wants to make money. On the polar opposite of this was the bartender at VooDoo Lounge last night who now only offered me a sympathetic look upon advising me that water was $7, but did so with a smile on his face that said "sorry about that, but I'm still cute, right?" He was the eptiome of what a bartender should be, someone ready to take your money but in a way that makes you feel ok with doing so. Hooker would probably have less stigma if they followed this buisness plan...and if they started accepting tabs I guess.

- Daisy Deadpetals: If you haven't had the opportunity to see this performer do her/his thing you should check out youtube, go on I'll wait....man, they're taking forever, must be watching the Whitney one, that one's funny....back? Great, so as I was saying, not only hilarious but able to spin some great music too. The more I listen to what she/he says the more I realize there's a brain under all that synthetic hair. It's been said that comedy isn't easy and that to do it well you have to be smart. I agree, plus how much harder is it when you have to do all that and tuck?

- Drag Look Alike: On the subject of drag queens I HAVE to mention this one I saw not only on Thursday but Sunday night. Ok, could one of you who follows me here that knows Veronica Ortega please tell her there's a man out there running around looking EXACTLY like her. The lips, the nose, the eyes, the hair, everything. And for the record, this Vero look-alike smacked me across the face not once but twice with her weave. Having never been hit with fake hair before I have to say it hurt. I dunno, maybe the real Vero can lend the drag Vero some of her hair to make a wig? Future victims of hair whippings will be grateful.

- Celebrity Sightings: Thursday night saw me peeking at an actual NKOTB member as Jonathan Knight hung out in the corner of the club, apparently with one of Britney's tour dancers. Then Sunday gave me a double whammy of a celebrity sighting, first of local news reader Craig Stevens and then Grammy winner Deborah Cox. At the risk of sounding catty or trite, can I just say that in the future when introducing a singer perhaps Mr. Stevens should stay away from saying how "it always seems like her lyrics are written about my latest break-up with a boyfriend?" Gosh Craig and then did you write about it in your journal before heading down to the mall and hanging with your BFFs? As for Ms. Cox she was in fine form, belting out all her hits, extending notes, pretty much working the stage for all it's worth. But I will say this, her performance last night kind of proved to me that Whitney Houston isn't the only black diva to sweat a small puddle under her when performing. Same script, different cast indeed.

So there you have it, the highlights of my weekend. Sure there were plenty of other odd little characters bouncing about (I'm talking about you adrogyny crew at Buck, as well as you old man with no shirt whose nipples looked more like knee guards they were so low), but why focus on them? After all, this is supposed to be my day off.

Revisiting My Childhood..On Demand!

Looking back on the greatest achivements of this new millenium I truly hope that alongside the person who cures cancer is the person who provided cable with On Demand. Whoever that was, let's just say I am very much hearting him right now as I sit here watching one of the greatest cartoon properties ever, Thundercats.

Now as far as 80's cartoons go no question He-Man's the undisputed king of the nostalgia kingdom. The transformation chant, the playsets, the end of episode morals, it had it all. However, if He-Man was the gold then Thundercats were the silver. Based around a band of humanoid cats who crashlanded on a planet as their race's last survivors they battled the evil Mum-Ra for possesion of the mystical Sword of Omens. And if you think my plot summation is too simplistic, clearly you never saw an episode.

Sitting here watching I marvel at so much of it. While the character designs were simplistic, there was a richness to detail in other areas. True, it was animated in Asia allowing the backgrounds an attention to detail that your average Saturday morning fare today is sorely missing, even amongst those with an Anime feel. You watch Thundercats and almost can't help but wait for some overly exageratted transformation sequence.

Then there are overall story elements they'd never get away with today. In the first episode alone their home planet blows up, ships in their armada get destroyed with presumably casualties and their mentor dies of old age. Oh and did I mention that the protagonists spend a good 1/3 of the episode naked? But it's weird cuz some of them have belts and there are lines seperating their legs from their torsos like they're wearing costumes but they're not. I guess they had to draw the line somewhere and that line apparently gets drawn at the depiction of animated feline genitals. Who knew?

Character wise the heroes were pretty simplistic, although watching it now I have to say Lion-O was a total dick for the first few episodes. Crash landing on Third Earth (some sort of descended version of our earth, but this was back before Al Gore so we don't know what happened to the first 2 although I'm sure it had more to with weird ass civilaztions constantly crashing here than global warming) in suspended animation Lion-O was a child before landing, but woke up an adult. From the second he wakes up, he starts barking orders at everyone like he hasn't just been asleep for 10 galacti-years (their term not mine, I swear). Not only that but he then proceeds to use the Sword of Omens which 3 seconds before he didn't even recognize and declares himself Lord Lion-O. The guy just realized he has pubes, granted no small feat considering they're presumably covered in fur, and now he's anointed himself king? The hell?! And the less said about him waking up fully muscular after doing nothing more strenuous than breathe for umpteen years the better.

Yet, here I sit typing while watching Mum-Ra turn to locusts to invade the village of the Berbils and all I can do is smile. In just 3 episodes the heroes have alternately threatened the villains with rattling their bones and breaking their necks. They even used the word reconnosaince in verb tense! I didn't even know that word HAD a verb tense!

I could go on and on as I just keep finding more and more to love again about this show. All I hope though is that this isn't some type of weird vision of the future cartoon because somehow I just know that if it is that means I probably wind up being Mum-Ra. Hmmm....although he was pretty ripped for a mummy.