FINDING A PLACE IN RECORD TIME (APPARENTLY)

So as some may know I now have an apartment in New York, or rather Queens.

The funny thing is that everybody up here has had the same reaction of surprise when I tell them I found a place. It's always a variation of "you ALREADY found a place?!"

Apparently in this city it takes forever to find a place to live. A fact to which I can attest. It seems like just about every time I found a place I liked it was taken before I could even finish hitting send on the email inquiry. Then the ones that were available were either a bit more than I cared to spend on a place or the size of port-a-potty.

Even better is the fact that I was able to find it without having to pay a fee. That's right ladies & gentlemen, up here the person who rents the apartment usually winds up paying the broker/realtor anywhere from 10%-15% of the full year's rent. Some brokers are willing to just charge you one month's rent, but of course that's in addition to the first, last & security deposit.

However, true to my never ending quest to get the most for less I would dedicate at least an hour each night looking for apartments listed as "no fee." To which I found a link to a company that owns several buildings throughout Queens & Brooklyn.

Best of all?

All they asked for was 1st month and security deposit. Done deal.

So now I start the next journey in my NYC adventure. With a little help from my friends, and IKEA, I know I'm gonna have a great place in no time.

WEEK ONE IN NYC IN THE RECORD BOOKS

So it's officially been a week since I started my new life on the northern east coast and gotta say things are definitely looking positive.

Not only have I been walking to work each day (about 15 minutes each way), but I've started working out again. Luckily the building I'm currently living in has a gym. On the smaller side of my usual LA Fitness, but it's got free weights and a few machines, all I need to try & shed the pounds that my extensive walking might not eliminate.

Work is going well so far true. Granted, it's only been 5 days and if things go horribly wrong in that time, well you should probably fear for the rest! With that said, my accounts are doing some interesting executions throughout the year which will certainly continue to help me grow in my career. Best of all is they appear to want to extend their presence beyond just spots & dots...always a welcome approach in my experience.

I've also started looking at apartments. Very early looks to be honest but in this time I've seen 2 studios and frankly one of them would be much better served being referred to as a slightly larger walk-in closet. And I'm not entirely sure it's not an insult to walk-in closets.

All in all, a very positive start to my time in NY. Not sure what week 2 will bring, but definitely looks to be full of more apt viewings.

New Beginnings

So about a year ago, my life started on a change I couldn't foresee.

Relationship.

Work.

New nephew.

Organ removal.

And now I'm about to head to NYC to start another part of the journey. It's always been a dream of mine & now I'm 2 days away from that happening. 

Sure, my FB & IG will house most of my updates, but I think I'll take to this blog a bit more as I start to make that adjustment.

Either way it's time to go from #mia2nyc

Novela Lessons For Real Life Application

So I'm watching the umpteen rerun of the classic novela, Maria la del Barrio and it occurred how different things would be in real life if we all just learned to be more like the characters in this awesome character pieces. A few observations:

1) Rich people really do want to help the poor succeed, as long as the poor are attractive and don't mind that one of the rich people will do everything in their power to ensure their misery simply because they're poor.

2) After said poor person becomes refined they will adopt a new look that they will not change for absolutely any reason essentially becoming a live action version of a cartoon character with only one outfit.

3) If you walk into a room and your other half is hugging someone you know, it automatically means they are having an affair and you should fly off the handle immediately.

4) All maids, butlers and servants in general will be all up in your business and instead of sending them to hell or firing them, you just roll your eyes as if to say "oh that wacky maid!" and let them continue to be underfoot.

5) Eventually somebody will go insane and either give up their baby or hurt half the cast, the latter will happen with everyone either ignoring the blatant clues or simply not really paying attention.

6) When handed said baby by the crazy person, don't the child over to protective services when you've clearly longed for your own child and could probably just raise it without anyone asking any questions about where it came from.

7) Being evil doesn't mean you'll automatically get what you deserve. Even if you die, you'll be brought back from the dead to continue to wreck havoc on your once closest friends who presumably buried you in the first place yet didn't notice you weren't in the casket.

8) Expressing your thoughts out loud while looking away wistfully is perfectly acceptable, but beware as there WILL inevitably be someone lurking behind a corner who's going to blackmail you with this information later.

9) Pregnancies are ridiculously easy to fake as nobody bothers with silly things like gynocologists or paternity tests.

10) At some point, if you're the villain you're going to get bitch slapped by the protagonist but won't fight back because all you do is plot & eventually kill a secondary or tertiary character that most people didn't really care about while they were alive.

Now, I'm sure there are other life lessons I've missed but I think those are the most relevant. However, please do feel free to add any I may have forgotten. After all, these are the lessons that can only help us grow as people.

Dual Fitness Update!!!

So about 15 days ago I made the decision that I was going to go on a fiscal fast and sort of take advantage to also increase my time at the gym. Since we're about half way into this little experiment I figured I'd give a bit of an update.

As far as the gym goes I've been trying to hit it at least 4 times a week and I was successful at first. I managed to go 5 times during that first week, Sunday to Thursday. I also went this past Monday and Thursday, unable to go Tuesday and Wednesday because I had work related events to attend.

Granted it's because of my job that I'm able to enjoy doing things at absolutely no cost, lending me the opportunity to save on the spending. In the past 15 days I've had several free lunches, gone to a Heat game, the VIP area at Calle Ocho and dinner at a really cool new restaurant. I know that I'm BEYOND lucky to have these experiences and don't any of it for granted at all.

I also have to give a shout out to my sister for her help in the grocery dept. Not only was I able to save some cash on that front, but as a result I've been able to eat at home thereby not needing to spend additional money there either.

So what's the end result of all this fasting? On the body front, I'm definitely feeling better even if the scale isn't demonstrating any significant weight loss. The financial side of things is doing better with almost a $2k increase in my checking account compared to this same time period last month. Not too shabby, huh? Hmmm....maybe this was a pretty good idea after all.

Double The Healthy

So yes it's been a while since I've written here and I completely intend to get back to posting about my theory that we're all just brands that need to learn how to properly market ourselves. However, in the interim I've had a few changes in my life which has led me to issue myself a challenge.

Actually, a double challenge.

I'm going to use the month of March to get in shape, physically AND financially.

Now, it's not like I'm in a financial freefall. And while I've gained about 5 of the 15 pounds I've recently lost, my body isn't about to double for Honey Boo Boo's mom.

Nah, it's more about just working better when I have a deadline or a goal. To that end, I will be using the month of March to hit the gym more and the town less. As with any good challenge, there are rules to follow of course.

1) I have to hit the gym minimum 4 days a week, with an eye on making that 5 as often as possible.

2) No eating out, at all. All food can only be bought as part of my groceries. With that said, if anybody wants to treat me to a night out, let's talk.

3) Eating out is off limits, but so is going out. Doesn't mean I'm turning into a recluse, I can hang out with friends, it just has to be without spending a dime.

4) Since my food intake is limited to groceries, this also means I'm only going to focus on buying items like fruits, vegetables and low calorie snacks. That last part is crucial since it's how I can keep some semblance of sweets going without feeling horrible. Work, however, will be another challenge in itself.

Ultimately I'll report my progress, not that I'm going to tell you people how much I have in my account or my weight, BUT I'll report the amounts I've lost or saved as a result. My goal is also to provide updates on here throughout the month and any tips I find on saving money where possible. After all what's the point of sharing if you can't help others in some way, right?

Oh and if you see me falling off either wagon, please don't be too harsh....ok, be harsh. I could probably use the push. :-)

Your Brand, Your Self...Self Assessing

Given my last post about assessing one's values, it took a little more time than anticipated, but a promise is a promise. As mentioned, it's not enough to use an adjective there has to be something behind it; essentially what you bring to the table. To that end, I now present what I've determined are the values of my brand.

- Bringing Levity & Positivity to Just About Any Situation: To varying degrees I can be considered funny, but it's not enough just to tell a joke, it's knowing your audience. Even more, you need to know the impact your comments can make. It's the reason that I say "just about any situation," it's all about limits. Sure, the funeral might seem like a great place to joke about the fact that the guy was trampled by a herd of fat ladies outside a Weight Watchers while dressed like an ice cream cone, but maybe wait until the body's in the ground first? If your brand can achieve this, it shows you take yourself just seriously enough.

- Putting Others at Ease: This one's a bit touchy, as most people think humor & positivity can achieve this, but that's not the case. What really makes this ring as a value is incorporating yourself into a conversation in a way that doesn't just come off as someone who knows things. The key here is to never approach a conversation or situation as if you REALLY know everything, but rather have some knowledge about it and want to hear what others have to say. Look, while we all use Wikipedia, we don't want to hang out with the human version. As a brand, you have to be able to talk to everyone, but also know enough to know when you to start listening to others as well.

- A Resource in Times of Need: Please don't interpret this as being a dumping ground or patsy for people who need their couch moved on a Sunday. This is the demonstration of ability to really help, but keeping it to a minimum and only in times of true necessity. Doing so means that people aren't just going to ring for the slightest thing, but rather when only my level of expertise can provide resolution. From a brand perspective, this prevents over exposure and ultimately diluting of the brand. After all, if you're everything to everyone you're probably closer to being nothing to anyone.

There you have it, my brand values. Even if you disagree, the takeaway here is that the value has to be genuine. At the end of the day, even if your brand value is telling others what they don't want to hear, as long as it's sincere and not some Bravo Housewife audition, it's going to be interpreted as such.

However, keep in mind that while your brand values should be consistent that doesn't mean they can't be changed. After all, we all know that consumer behavior can change and that can always lead to reevaluations of what your brand is presenting.

Your Brand, Your Self...Do You Know Your Values?

Normally when launching a brand, the first step is determining what exactly you're offering the consumer in exchange for their time.

Get your minds out of the gutter, I didn't go through all this trouble to blog about prostitution...although I'm sure if you're in the trade of the flesh, these tips will also come in handy....hey, we can't all be executives, right?

But no, what we ultimately start with is a variation on the old question of "what kind of person do you want to be?" That is to say, what do you want your brand to convey and ultimately attract?

The most obvious answer is the right consumer, but as any quick Facebook page glance confirms, that varies wildly from one person to another. That in itself is the most pure basis for ensuring that your brand is successful. Ultimately, we all hope you choose to have "good" values, but that's not important.

What IS important to any brand's success is that any & all values conveyed be genuine. The moment you try conveying you're about something that you couldn't care less about, you'll be seen as a fraud with zero credibility.

A good example of a brand that doesn't try to be more than the sum or its parts, is Ford. For years, Ford has portrayed themselves as being about the American spirit and keeping that alive. If tomorrow they started a campaign showing themselves to be an international company looking to make constant changes, it wouldn't just ring false but smack of a company trying to play in an arena where it not only can't compete, but doesn't even know what equipment to use. It doesn't matter if the brand IS international and tech minded, it can't just starting billing itself that way out of the blue.

On the other hand there's the infamously failed experiment of New Coke. The Coca-Cola brand has spent so much time establishing itself as timeless & nostalgic that the mere concept of "new & improved" was far off the mark. Coca-cola isn't about the now, but the then. Again, not to say it can't focus on the now, but it's about creating memories & NOT living for now. Plus, if a product that old is all of a sudden improved, the mind almost instantly wonders, "what the hell were we drinking before?"

Such is the perspective to have about our own brands. Not all of us can be humorous or stylish, but why not embrace your traits if you are indeed a bit serious or conservative? While not traditionally desired, keep this in mind, those are just traits, not values.

When thinking about values it's imperative to move one step beyond an adjective. It's not enough to say your value is "humor," that's just a description that can be plopped onto just about anything. Take it further, perhaps your true brand value is the ability to find the funny in otherwise humdrum moments or instead of being "serious," your value is providing stability.

These aren't easy to pinpoint nor should be done in some slap dash attempt to "find yourself." It's just the first step in defining your brand and what that means in hopes of finding the right consumer. Don't worry we'll go into all of this in the coming entries, but continuing this odd experiment brings me to my next entry.

For my next entry (and moving forward with all subsequent ones), I will offer myself up on each point I cover in the hopes it helps solidify them with concrete examples. Not to say that I'm a success story, after all my tales not yet done. But feel free to leave your thoughts on what you think those values will be, might be fun to see if they synch up with the current public perception.

And if not, then hell we can all just have a laugh at the one-man play that is my life. :-)

Your Brand, Your Self...A Theory To Explore

Working in the communications industry, I feel there are times I see things a little different in the world. 

You start noticing the coffee on your favorite sitcom no longer has tape over the logo, but rather now proudly displays itself as Pilon. 

From the start of the fall TV season,  the American Idol judges appear to hydrate solely with branded  Coca-Cola glasses, even when they're not really thirsty.

And when watching Contagion you're the only one who notices Jude Law's character prattling on and on about unique site visitors for no apparent reason at the start of the movie.

The eye just becomes trained to see things, or maybe start looking for them, on another level. An extension of which becomes how you start viewing people. It's that perspective that I'm planning to explore in the coming weeks with a theory I've been contemplating for a bit now.

Each and every one of us is a brand and we need to apply the same rules they do to ourselves.

That's not to say you should start looking for sponsorships or celebrity endorsements, although let's be honest I'm sure you can find one of the Kardashians to do either. However, like the biggest global brands, to truly be successful you must understand what your brand's values, how to appeal to the right demo and how to adapt in a constantly changing environment.

I'm not claiming to be an expert, more like an advertising nut with too much time on his hands and a crazy idea he's been applying to his life as of late. But with the next couple of entries maybe I can provide a perspective that may not have seemed obvious at first, but will maybe become clearer and clearer each week.

And hey, if they made a sitcom from a twitter feed no reason this can't be later revamped into a nice, self-help type best seller, right? After all, the first step in creating a successful brand is to believe in what you're offering and thinking big. :-)

Back To Blogging

So it's been a while since I've had anything to say.....

Ok, nobody believes THAT, but it HAS been a while since I've officially blogged about it. So I'm going to try something new, each week I will try to post at least one new blog, possibly on a Sunday or Monday night.

I have a vague idea of what topic(s) I want to tackle, but maybe I'll save that for the first post so as not to ruin the surprise of it all. Not that I'll be revealing the secrets of life or anything, but oh well.

In the meantime, I ask that you feel free to read some of my older posts to familiarize yourself with my observations, ramblings and just plain delusions. Hope you enjoy the ride back.

And get ready for the road ahead, I think we'll all enjoy the ride. Like a party bus, minus the drunken vomiting....maybe. :-)

AMAZING POSITIVE OUTCOMES ONLY = HELLCATS + CONAN?

For those who don't watch Hellcats on the CW (and shame if you aren't, it's a total guilty pleasure), you may not be familiar with the above catchphrase by Ashley Tisdale's character Savannah. However, if you even remotely follow me on Facebook or Twitter (man, I've become a social media whore haven't I?), you've seen me post this twice this week.

The reason is that this week I've had two great opportunities presented to me. Both offer incredible new challenges and growth, but as is usually the case with these situations, I kinda wanted one more than the other. Unfortunately I didn't get the outcome I was hoping for, which was disappointing, but I'm not letting that get me down.

As I said, I already have a phenomenal opportunity waiting for me in the wings that I think is really going to let me explore certain unchartered territories (for me anyway). As cheesy as I KNOW it sounds, it's a true testament to what has in the last year become one of my absolute favorite quotes from Conan O' Brien's last appearance on the Tonight Show:

"Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

WHY ISH WILL NEVER HAVE A 6 PACK

Let's face it, I'm not exactly svelte. Even with all the gym time I put in it's not like I'm going to be confused with a beanpole anytime soon. Don't get me wrong I've got decent shoulders and what not, but like most people my stomach is just NOT going away, meaning that I will never have a 6 pack. And I am ok with that for the following reasons:

1. Cheeseburgers are our friends


2. The Fair = Fat Fest = Personal Christmas


3. I'm fairly certain I won't have a career in porn


4. Ditto for stripping


5. Lechon, specifically pellejito..mmmmm


6. Waking up in the morning to excercise is a myth like the existence of leprechauns or models who never had bulimia


7. Hot doughnuts make deliciously edible pillows


8. I have a day job that doesn't involve folding jeans at The Gap


9. Can't prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt, but I'm certain if I lose my tummy there goes my ass and that is just NOT an option in this lifetime


10. Cheeseburgers. I know I mentioned it at the start, but it's just THAT big a factor.

Do you feel the same way or do you think I CAN have a 6 pack? And none of that cuz you have will power crap, cuz that's what people cry to themselves as they eat a pint of ice cream. Speaking of which, time for a shake! :-)

FACEBOOK: CREATING CONNECTIONS WHILE ANNOYING ME

So I'm most likely behind in posting this since it's not really revolutionary or anything, but here goes. There are just some people whose statuses on Facebook make me feel like severing their arm and beating them with it.

To me a facebook status or post should be either what you're doing or some sort of witty observation. Now perhaps I'm asking for too much, but there are just some people whose facebook statuses make me want to throttle them:

People Who Need Spell/Grammar Check To Survive: I get that we all make spelling mistakes, especially with the onset of smartphones with their tiny keyboards. However, for the love of all that's holy there are some people who just can't be bothered to spell or write a coherent sentence. If you haven't mastered the art of knowing when to make a word plural you shouldn't be allowed to write to the world.

The Uber Blessed: I'm all for wishing blessings on others, but everyday for everything? I knew I had reached my breaking point when I read somebody say they were feeling blessed because their washing machine was being delivered. Unless you're beating your clothes on a rock there's no reason to feel blessed for an appliance.

The Constant Lovebirds: Love is a many splendored thing, but if all you do is post love notes to your other half using cutesy language, you must be publicly flogged until you can't remember their name much less the pet name. If you feel the need to constantly affirm your love in a public forum maybe you need a little too much affirmation in your life.

I'm Reposting Cuz It's True: I'm glad to finally be getting less chain/junk emails, until I realized it's only because they've taken on another form in the "Please Post This If You...." I support various charities, causes and actions. Unfortunately most of the re-post status requests are so full of false and fictional claims that it'd be like re-posting headlines about Batboy.

There you have it, my list of people who annoy me on Facebook. I'm sure there are more of them out there and please do feel free to share them with me and each other. After all until we recognize the problem, we can't beat the cause into submission and eventual extinction.

ISH...NOW ON TOUR!

Ok so it's been a reallllly long time since I've blogged and I can't say that I have much to share, although I'm sure I do and I just don't recall it right now. However, the other day I started to think to myself "what if I was a singer who was about to go on tour?"

Now true, it's not like I have musical talent or am a songwriter, but what if I was to tour based solely on covers? I like to think it would be a fun tour, possibly taking me around the world. So without further adieu I present to you the set list for Ish's 2011 "Cover Me" world tour.

Know Me, Know You

"Let Me Entertain You" (mash-up between Gypsy's version & that of Robbie Williams)

"You Know My Name" (Chris Cornell)

"Geek In The Pink" (Jason Mraz)

"Into The Nightlife" (Cyndi Lauper)

"Heavy Rotation" (Anastasia)

"Don't Tell Me You're Sorry" (S Club 8)

Glove The Love

"Naturally/Who Owns My Heart" mash-up (Selena Gomez/Miley Cyrus)

"Don't Talk Just Kiss" (Right Said Fred)

"Understand" (Melanie C)

"Hello" (Lionel Richie)

"One Less Bell/House Is Not a Home" (Kristin Chenoweth)

"Tonight (I'm ***** You)" (Enrique Iglesias)

Translation Rotation

"You Spin Me Round" (Thalia)

"Private Emotion" (Ricky Martin)

"Better Man" (Robbie Williams)

"Fuego de Noche, Nieve de Dia" (Ricky Martin)

"Y Hubo Alguien" (Marc Anthony)

"Tranquila" (Xavier Garcia)

Revelation Celebration

"Main Event/Spinning Around" mash-up (RuPaul/Kylie Minogue)

"Blame It On The Girls" (Mika)

"Little of Your Time (Bloodshy & Avant remix)" (Maroon 5)

"Any Which Way" (Scissor Sisters)

"Outside" (George Michael)

"Let's Get Loud" (Jennifer Lopez)

There you have it, my set list. Now of course it goes without saying that between each set I'd have a wardrobe change courtesy of D&G. And to say there would be massive dance numbers is without saying given how much I love to dance. Now go on and check out all these songs and tell me they wouldn't make a great 2 & half hour show!

Vegas and the ignorant doorman

I know club doormen and ignorance are kind of a given but man this was a doozy.

This weekend I had the luck to be invited to las Vegas for an upfront weekend on the part of NBC universal. Overall it has been absolutely phenomenal. Unfortunately tonight ihaf an experience that was less than great.

Look, I've been in Florida for 31 years now and frankly I feel qualified to make certain judgements about the area. To that end, I still have my old Florida license which I only have to apply a sticker to the back that prolong the expiration date. Oh sure I've had problem with it before but ultimately it gets accepted.

However, that was nit the case tonight.

My ID was rejected by the overly muscled doorman, which is his right. My problem however was his reply to seeing it.

"I lived in Florida for 7 years and never saw this type of license."

Really? I mean in the full 7 WHOLE years you were there you never saw an old license? Then mine must not be valid. I mean digitally recognized licenses have always been around right? Not like life existed before a time prior to computers taking over the daily life. No that can't possibly be true.

Again, sir you reserve the right to refuse anyone you choose but maybe you should educate yourself past a yet ago. Then again if you WERE educated at all you'd probably know better than to work for an alleged pothead who's dating an alleged coke whore....but maybe that wasn't the case 7 years ago either.

ROLLING ON THE RIVER....

So as some of you may know, I'm up in North Carolina taking a much deserved break at my parent's cabin. As I write this I'm sitting on the bed in the loft area looking at the phenomenally breath taking view of the mountains as the sun sets creating a hazy look to them that can only be described as short of heavenly.

But that's not what this blog is about.

Today we all went whitewater rafting. Dude, it had been like 10 years since the last time I did that and lemme just say it was freaking awesome! Granted the water was so cold that I'm fairly sure I had a vagina there for about 3 hours and my toes were officially purple, but sooo much fun. We took a guided tour, mostly because when you put 5 Cuban kids from Miami in a raft the instinct is more to cross a large body of water than just take a leisurely trip down a river.

Not that it was leisurely. Ok, it wasn't like some mile a second thrill ride, but some of those drops were quite awe inspiring, at least from the perspective of not having done this in a long time. However, we had such a good time doing the Natahala river that we're seriously considering doing the Ocoee river path that's strictly category 3's and 4's....yeah we're nuts, but not certifiable since we'd be looking to use a guide again.

After working up a MASSIVE appetite we drove back to Murphy and decided to venture into the downtown area. For those of you who've never been to a small town, it's as if the 4-color pages of Riverdale sprang to life. We decided to stop into Wings & Things for late lunch/early dinner, frankly because it was either that or start gnawing on each other. The meatloaf was out of hand, but unfortunately they had no dessert and the local ice cream shop had just closed...at 6:30 no less.

Tomorrow we're looking to head into HOTLANTA! Most of us have never been so we'll probably settle on doing some touristy things....but I know while we're looking at Coke and Olympics we'll all be thinking the same thing.....exactly when can we squeeze in another trip down, and over, some river?

HAS IT REALLY BEEN SO LONG?

Wow, I can't believe it's been sooo long since my last post! Where does the time go?

To my job mostly, at least as of late. For the 3 of you regular readers, you know that my career role model, for good or bad, is Amanda from Melrose Place. And I'd like to think shed be happy with me of late.

With the recent news about most of my team being pregnant I've been stepping up my game a bit. True it's been kinda nuts doing so but I feel like I'm in a position to really make some career headway. A fact made more concrete to me by my recent foray into not only leading but presenting for a client pitch. Frankly it's like finally being invited to the adults table and I am in no rush to go back to the kiddie one, thankyouverymuch.

So we'll see what happens, after all you can never be too cocky.....outside of porn of course. But just between you and me, I think things are gonna work out fine. And if not, I'm sure it will only serve to give ms more topics to kvetch about.

School Courses, Now Taught by French Canadians!

As I mentioned in my previous blog, my time at the gym affords me the opportunity to watch TV that I normally wouldn't. Chief among them is the oddly large number of PSA's that are currently airing on cable. My newest PSA appreciation comes from KnowHow2Go.org, an organization encouraging kids to go to college. Let's watch, shall we?



Great commercial right? High quality prodution, images, not really cheesy in the way that most of these sorts of spots tend to rely on. However, I see a rather large problem with the overall message. Upon watching this commercial it really didn't make me want to go on to a higher learning insitution. In truth it gave me the biggest urge to buy some spandex and audition for Cirque de Soleil.

The goal is surely to make it seem like these oh so brave kids are overcoming these big bad classes to move forward in life. But these classes are about as intimidating as a bowl of Fiber One cereal. Ok not fair, fiber anything tends to be a bit intimidating, especially if you're not near a restroom, but I digress. Hell, if I walked into a school and found that my classes were being run by Lady Gaga's weird S&M contortionist wet dream I'm pretty sure I'd remember how to prove a theorem instead of just remembering that a theorem needs to be proven.

Or I'd just be into some degree of leather.....wait a minute......

Either way, I have to say I've become quite amused with what appears to the endless stream of PSA's I'm currently watching. Here's hoping the next one is about mimes representing the dangers of venereal diseases.

WHEN COUGARS ATTACK!

As some of you may know, I've become quite the gym rat lately. As a result I sadly now watch WAY more E! than any human being ever should Most of that winds up being E! News and the Daily 10. However, I've noticed that during these programs instead of airing commercials for brand name labels and collagen parties, for some reason they tend to air loads and loads of Public Service Announcements or PSA's.

Surprisingly, the biggest PSA advertiser during this time is Values.com. Now, maybe they feel it's just plain karmic to remind people of the need to be kind to one another in-between shots of Lindasy Lohan's crotch and Kate Gosselin's crocodile tears. Of all the PSA's however, my favorite has got to be this one:




Look, I'm just as big on helping old people as anyone who's not my friend Daisy, but this old broad is NOT looking for help. Oh, I know the spot is supposed to be about reaching out to one another and all that crap. The reality is that what we have here is some horny old blue-hair who sees an opening to pounce on some emo-prey. I can just see her thoughts now:

"Hmm, been awhile since I've had anyone to do the Charleston with. Hmm, well he looks like a ripe young piece of Clark Gable. I'll just play the part of the feeble old lady and when he's not paying attention I'll goose him! Damn you depression for making me still think that's 3rd base!"

That's right, she thinks she like the Demi Moore of the vaudeville set. I guarantee she asked this poor Hot Topic shopper to go home with her to play her vitrolla. Don't let the wrinkles fool you, old people are sexual predators! I guarantee Stone Phillips is working on a Dateline all about it as I write this.

So the moral of the story? Sure you can help old people cross the street as long as they keep both hands on the Hoveround.

Horror At The Gym

Generally speaking I have a generally high tolerance for many things. To say that something offends me is even more out of the norm. However, this week I've had to endure something that is just plain offensive to the senses.

Man bulge in lycra at the gym.

For the past few weeks I've been taking a kickboxing class at my local gym and the teacher was some vaguely Eastern Eurpoean sounding woman who I think was actually Brasilian cuz she had us samba once as a cool down. Anyway, the class was actually really good and much more enjoyable than the treadmill or elliptical. This week, however, the instructor was replaced by a man who apparently feels that the gym is just the right place to have some well placed moose knuckle showing.

Again, not really big on finding things offensive but it's mildly disturbing to have this poly-blend material covered sphere kinda bouncing up and down all the class long. Particularly when it comes toward you. I just want to throw holy water on it. Worse is the fact that the instructor is like Charlotte's gay friend on Sex & The City, if her gay friend was Hispanic instead of Italian. Man is the guy loud, I'm fairly certain that when the girl fainted in class the other day it was more about his voice causing an inner ear imbalance than dehydration.

The truly worst part about the whole thing? I really like the class, he drives the class hard and keeps the routine varied so I am definitely sweating and feeling like I get a good workout, and that's before I do weights!

So there you have it, I'll keep going to this class as long as they offer it. Just, maybe we can start a petition to at least get him to wear longer shirts. After all, just because you punch in a kickboxing class doesn't mean you need to bring your own speedbag.